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Friday, August 06, 2004

its time to open my eyes__and see how much the world hate me //
bleaghss.. i read evey's blog.. so thankyou.. i know you were tokin bout me.. and if you dun mindd.. i have a name.. its spelled HUIMIN.. you can put it in capslock.. i dun mindd.. coz you are right.. its time to find out how much the world has to say bout me..
after reading your entry.. i cried while bathing.. i know "crying would make things better".. but this time.. i cried because i finally found out what a failure i am.. i was blardee disappointed in m0iself(this is not counted as a looking down on myself).. coz i finally knew why i have to end up in this state.. its all because of m0i own doing...
you're right.. m0i gloomy face just sarkks... m0i attitude just sarkks..m0i flickle mindness just sarkks.. but let me tell you this.. i did listen to your words.. i spent two hours thinking bout the whole thing.. but can you understand the internal struggle within m0iself.. i took you words.. but because i cannot decide on m0i own.. thats why.. i turn to someone which i thought could help.. in the end.. it made me turn out to be someone so irritating and usless ..
greatt.. ur point on you-know-who.. i'm really glad she found a group of frens which realli care for her.. who will be there for her.. cause i know i can't do all these.. in the past.. i used to blame her for not being the one to stand by me.. but now.. i blame m0islef for not being able to do what a friend should do.. i've gone through alot.. from the past.. where i was sooo childish and act like she could only be with me.. but i slowly understood that because of all m0i faults(i know i have them).. i cannot expect her to be with me all the times.. she's someone who prefers fun.. someone who likes lame joke.. and i know i will be unable to do that.. sometimes i'm really sorry for her.. cause she had to "stay" with me for a year.. she have to stay for another 6 months.. to tolerate m0i bahaviour.. to tolerate m0i inconsiderate..
m0i tears.. you said crying wil only make you feel worse.. but for me.. crying made me feel better(weird hur?) i learnt on m0i own.. so many things thru m0i tears.. i know i troubled all of you for many unneccesary stuffs.. i know i acted like some dua-pai kia and expected you all to listen to me.. thats why sometimes i rather cry on m0i own.. to reflect on m0i stupidd behaviour.. i dunno how much i've learnt.. i dunno how much i've changed.. but i knew.. it make you all more SICK of me..
sighsss.. maybe right from the start.. windspear should have only 4 ppl.. ser,evey,khris and xue.. i know you all might be much more happier with me.. i dunno.. but all these times.. i tried to do everything to save it.. i'm rotten this few days.. i dunno.. i just got angry at every single stuffs.. and i'm glad you have let it all out..
coz of who i am.. everyone has a different character.. nobody is perfect.. these 2 years in m0i secondary schoo life.. i know.. i have made frens.. and enemies.. but even when m0i best frens pissed me off.. i can give the bushaung face.. but i forget it ltr in the day.. coz i know.. forgive and forget.. i dun expect them to learn on their own.. neither do i expect them to change because i-dun-like-it-that-way.. i agree i can be really irritating at times.. irritating until you want to scold the word fu*k and me.. in the so many times "internal-conflicts" within windspear.. most of the time i get invovled.. why? coz i cause alot of troubles for m0i frens.. even when most of the time i think its not m0i fault.. i try to apologize.. i try to reflect on m0i own actions.. but.. i know.. ppl will still bushaung me for the fact for who i am..
yea.. i know.. i've seriuosly wasted m0i frens two years of their live.. wasting their brains cells for getting pissed off with me.. lead a meaningful life.. for m0islef? for ppl who care for me? till now.. i still dunno who care.. i still dunno who will be there for me..
maybe its time i get out of this world.. i've been causing too much troubles.. took up too much time of the people around me.. its time i open m0i eyes.. and see how the world would be so wonderful without me..
stabbed // cause i finally know.. what friends are for





I

AM

MAO!